Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy New Year...

My dear family and friends,

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper either, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of avian bird diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (ET) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

# posted by HolavaGuy @ 12/31/2005 11:59:00 PM

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Parents, hug your kids each chance you get

As most of you know, I am a big football fan. I love football, and have an addiction to fantasy football especially. I study the teams, players and matchups for 17 straight weeks. It takes a lot of my time, but it is my hobby, at least in the fall. I was born a year after the Super Bowl was started, and grew up idolizing the players, especially those on the NY Giants, my favorite team.

If you are reading this, you're probably wondering why I am carrying on about my love for football. It's a game that teaches kids a lot about life, and the struggles of it. All sports for that matter can teach us a lot about life. But, football, because of it's physical nature, correlates the most with me. It teaches teamwork, toughness (mental and physical) and many lessons that will help kids deal with adversity that will definitely happen in their life.

I heard the news this week about Coach Dungy's son, and my heart broke. I thought of my own two sons, and put myself in Coach Dungy's shoes. How would I feel? What would I do? How could I live without them? Parents are supposed to outlive their children, but unfortunately, sometimes that doesn't happen. The lesson here is - if you are a parent or not - tell those you love every chance you get. Here is the article for those interested in the story.

Phil Richards, Indianapolis Star
Family and friends, players, coaches and colleagues came to Idlewild Baptist Church on Tuesday to mourn the passing of James Dungy, the eldest son of Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy and his wife, Lauren. HC Tony Dungy had a message for all. "I urge you not to take your relations for granted," Dungy told the gathering of about 1,500. "Parents, hug your kids each chance you get. Tell them you love them each chance you get. You don't know when it's going to be the last time." Click here for the rest of the story.

# posted by HolavaGuy @ 12/28/2005 02:07:00 PM

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Love & Marriage

Before you run off and say "I Do..."

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

# posted by HolavaGuy @ 12/27/2005 11:02:00 AM

Men Are Just Happier People...

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

# posted by HolavaGuy @ 12/27/2005 10:50:00 AM

Thursday, December 15, 2005

My New Book on Golf

I have just finished my new book on golf that I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through years of experience. The cost is only $129.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate credit card info. It is a great price due to the vast amount of information, and I want more time to play.

Table of Contents:: CHAPTER 1 - How to properly line up your 4^th put.; CHAPTER 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.; CHAPTER 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.; CHAPTER 4 - How to get more distance off the shank.; CHAPTER 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.; CHAPTER 6 - Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.; CHAPTER 7 - When to implement handicap management.; CHAPTER 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9am.; CHAPTER 9 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.; CHAPTER 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.; CHAPTER 11 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5^th.; CHAPTER 12 - How to let a foursome play through your twosome.; CHAPTER 13 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the tee.; CHAPTER 14 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.; CHAPTER 15 - God and the meaning of the birdie-to-bogey three putt.; CHAPTER 16 - When to re-grip your ball retriever.; CHAPTER 17 - Can you purchase a better golf game?; CHAPTER 18 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the cart girl, and give her a $3.00 tip, but will balk at $3.50 at the 19^th hole and stiff the bartender.

# posted by HolavaGuy @ 12/15/2005 07:56:00 AM

Friday, December 02, 2005

Scott's Christmas List

In case anyone thinks I've been a good boy this year, here is my Christmas list:

Tools: Craftsman 5 Drawer Tool Center and drawer liners; Plunge Router/Table combo; Router/Shaper bits; Band Clamps (2); Car Ramps (for oil changes); Crescent Wrench(s)
Game Cube/Playstion Games: Call of Duty: Big Red One; Star Wars: Battlefront
Clothing: Levis 560 Jeans (size 33x32); Champion sweatshirt (gray or blue); Giants authentic NFL Jersey (Manning #10); Lightweight Parka (Columbia/L.L. Bean)
Books: Professional DotNetNuke ASP.NET Portals; JavaScript + CSS + DOM Magic
Photography: Canon EOS Digital Rebel Backup Battery

# posted by HolavaGuy @ 12/02/2005 05:08:00 PM

Building an RSS feed made simple

As I embark into .NET, I shall collect these snippets which I find useful.

# posted by HolavaGuy @ 12/02/2005 03:15:00 PM

When was it killed, the very last dodo bird?

What's been said...

Links